Agreeableness is lauded for a good reason; it reduces friction, and things move faster when people say “yes.” People who are interested in others and are helpful tend to be liked and receive social rewards such as praise. But helpfulness can become selflessness and leave people depleted and resentful, despite the accolades and admiration. It begs the question, “What does it cost individuals and organizations when some people are overburdened because it’s easy to give them more and more?”
Most people will recall times when they worked extraordinarily hard for a particular reason. A major project or a crisis, for example. Managers who routinely expect self-sacrifice negatively influence organizational culture. A culture where people are rewarded for heroics and self-sacrifice probably didn’t get that way by design, but cultures don’t improve without intention.
Changing culture requires leadership, but individuals can act on their own behalf if that doesn’t appear to be on the horizon. The change starts with the understanding that prioritizing individual goals and well-being does not mean a person has a selfish character or ignores the needs of others.
Three things can help people avoid the too-nice trap without being selfish.
First, focus on outcomes and relationships. Sherry, the CHRO of a large company in financial services, was diligent and responsible to a fault. She accepted an extraordinary workload that left her exhausted and resentful. Unfortunately, Sherry was forced to leave work temporarily due to a medical crisis. While recovering, she realized that her exhaustion was partly due to her workload, unmet needs for particular resources, and desire to expand her knowledge. Sherry hadn’t learned that she had almost always avoided asking for help for herself, even though it was easy for her to make requests on behalf of others. Once she returned to work, Sherry initiated a conversation with her boss; to her amazement, he was very open. He confessed that he had made the mistake of thinking Sherry was superhuman. They were able to reset their working relationship and affirm what Sherry’s most important contributions are.
Second, avoid the trap of social pressure. When someone calls another person selfish, they don’t mean it as a compliment. To avoid the label, sometimes people agree to things they don’t want to do. For example, if someone says, “Oh, I guess you aren’t a team player,” or “You never want to join in the fun.” These are social pressures, and even if they are as obvious as a junior high school clique, they can cause momentary hurt.
Instead of reacting to the pressure, you might try this – “I need to say no to your offer as it would take me away from a commitment to myself.” The other person may not appreciate your comment, but you will feel less vulnerable. Your actions also serve as a model of appropriate boundary setting and are assertive but not hostile.
Third, find a way to say no while adding value. If someone asks you to do something you want to consider, you can start by asking questions. This will set you up to decide but also position you to be helpful if you decline.
Start with this – “I’m not sure if this is right for me, but if you can tell me more, I can answer right away.” This alleviates the dreaded answer, “Let me think about it,” which leaves both of you uncertain. If you are interested, but the details don’t work, now is the time to offer alternatives. For example, you can provide options if someone asks for a podcast interview, but the timing isn’t right.
If the request is for something you decide to decline, you can say, “At this time, I am focused on finishing a large project, and as it requires my complete focus, I must decline.” You might also offer insights or advice that may help them find someone else or make a referral.
When people believe that self-sacrifice is proof of their goodness, evidence that they aren’t selfish, they can get trapped by the habit of niceness. In the grips of this dilemma, no one can do their best work, and organizations are devoid of models of healthy boundaries, how to ask for help, or how to say “no.” People always have the option to change jobs. However, it’s still helpful to build the skills needed to assert oneself and avoid the trap of self-sacrifice by keeping your eyes on the bigger picture, resisting social pressure, and learning to say “no, not yet, or no and.”
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